A Little Common Sense... PLEASE :)

I am the first person to admit... I have NO filter. Though my filter has improved with old age and life experience, it still isn't great.  My lack of filter is probably  both a blessing and curse in my currently life situation.  And by current life situation, I mean.... the Biscuit.  I am raising a child that is the trifecta of  the cause of STUPID comments made by the general public.  He has very complex medical needs, he is adopted, and he has some behavioral issues.  People of the internet, please, PLEASE... don't be that person that makes me want to bite through my tongue in an attempt not to fly off of the handle.  PLEASE... In an attempt to make you feel more "at ease" in your comments, I will throw you a bone.  Here is a Top Ten list of things that I have heard with my own ears about my little person.  For the record, for some reason, I have heard every single one of these in the grocery store line at least one time.  I don't get it, but it is true. 

This post will be a 3 part post...the first addressing his ADOPTION:

TOP 10 LIST OF THINGS NOT TO SAY TO ME (OR MY KIDS) ABOUT MY CHILD'S ADOPTION.... and what I am really thinking about your comment.  Regardless of whether or not I actually say it.

10.  What is his "story." 
While I admit that I am MUCH more forthcoming with Biscuit's adoption story than many adoptive parents, it isn't a question you should ask.  If I mention it and you have follow up questions. Ask them, but do not be shocked if I don't tell you.  As he grows older and becomes more aware of what is going on around him, I will likely stop talking about it all together.

9.  Do you worry that his "Real" Parents will come back and take him???  
First off, I am his not worried that his "Real" parents will come and take him, because I am his REAL parent.  His father is his other REAL parent.  Thus, giving you "real parents" two of them.  The word that you are looking for is BIOLOGICAL.  Secondly, are you worried that your child will be kidnapped one day?? Heck yeah, I worry.  I worry a lot.  Legally they don't have a leg to stand on, but it is a heck of a lot easier to get a child illegally than it is legally.  Now, please excuse me while I Facebook stalk and take my ulcer medication...

8.  Do you love him as much as Bit??? 
Again,  have you lost your mind?  Do you love your two children differently??  Honestly, I love my children, BOTH of them, with every fiber of my being.  EVERY SINGLE FIBER!! I would die for them and use by last breath to remind them that I love them more than anything.  Bit is an easier child to raise, don't get me wrong, but I have nearly lost Biscuit way more times.  You don't know how much you really love someone until you are fearful that you will never hold them again. So, the simple answer to this is... EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I love them equally. 

7.  I could never adopt, it is just too hard. 
Good for you.  I didn't ask you to, but since you brought up the difficulty of adoption let me tell you a few things.  Adoption is HARD!!  Really hard.  So is LABOR. Labor = Work.  They don't call it fun.  I have done both. I almost DIED growing Bit. Neither of them were a picnic.  If you don't want to do it, don't. But you don't have to tell me how hard I worked. I know, I was there. 

6.  How come you didn't just HAVE a child???
This one is the "grocery store" conversation.  When I used to have Bit with me at the grocery store, it seemed that this question came up more than once at the grocery store.  The short answer- THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!  You don't criticize people when they choose to get pregnant and give birth, why would you criticize for adopting a child???I would almost giggle if I saw someone looking a woman with her band new newborn saying, "Why didn't you adopt."  You wouldn't make it 3 seconds past her post partum hormones.   Next, think about what you are saying IN FRONT of my son.  You are making him feel like he has no self worth because I could have just "made my own."



5. Is he yours???  Pointing at Bit after they find out that Biscuit is adopted.
Ummmmm.... they are BOTH mine. In fact, I have a court order to prove it.  But, for real...  this was the response I gave someone when they caught me on a particularly long day.  "I am sorry, I don't understand your question. If you are asking if Biscuit caused stretch marks,  they answer is yes. I gained more weight with him than I did his brother.  If you are asking if Bit caused an episiotomy scar, the answer is yes. Thank you for being so curious about the history of my vagina. "  I bet they don't ask that question again...

4.  Where did he come from?
The answer is Nashville.  But why do you care?  I get this. With international adoption becoming more and more popular,  I can see your curiosity.  But, not every single adopted child came from another country.  Please don't find out he is adopted, walk up to us and start SPOUTING countries like you are playing the "higher or lower" game on The Price is Right.  Where was your child conceived??  Doesn't sound so cute does it?

3.  He is so lucky to have you.  You will have jewels in your crown in heaven.  I would hate to know what would happen to him if you didn't "TAKE HIM IN."
I grouped these together, because they all make me crazy in their own right. Each and every one of them is someone's attempt to praise me, while insulting my son.   First off, unless you know specific details of his story, you have no real right to assume he would be living a horrible life if I hadn't swooped in like some Fairy God Mother and "taken him in."  Second,  he isn't a stray cat that I brought in and fed because it was cold. He was a cognitive decision and Josh and I made to grow our family.  You can NEVER accidently adopt a child. As someone has pointed out to me  in number 7, it is just too hard.   Just for the record, we are lucky to have him. He has taught us more and done more for us than we will ever do for him- that includes his 2 trips to Disney World.  We didn't adopt him to be praised as saints.  We did it because we felt this was the way we wanted to grow our family.  I mean, I would love to go to heaven, but Josh and I weren't signing on the dotted line saying, "We have got a Golden Ticket!!!"

2.  How much did he cost??? 
$19.99 they would have thrown in his twin, but we didn't want to pay the optional extra shipping and handling.  Again, I know where you are going with this... adoption is known to be expensive.  You are curious.  But in the process, you are degrading my son's position in this family to nothing more than something you would purchase at the grocery store.  Children are very literal. In addition, in this society, money is also very personal.  I don't ask you how much you make a year and what your mortgage is each month.

1.  Do you know his "REAL PARENTS??"
As I pointed out in number 9... WE ARE HIS REAL PARENTS. I just wanted to reiterated this one because it makes me SO FLAMING MAD.  We clean up vomit, kiss boo boos, sit in PICU and cry over his sick body, and haven't slept in 4 years.  Me and Josh... no one else.  Please don't say this to ANY ADOPTIVE FAMILY... it is just pain rude.  The answer is no, we don't know his biological parents.  We didn't make some back alley deal to adopt him.  It is true, some adoptions are open. This means that the families do keep in touch and know each other.  But, if you are interested in knowing that, you need to be very close to the family and you need to ask if it is an open or closed adoption.  I have met his biological father. Truth be told, he is a pretty likeable guy.  Neither Josh nor I have ever met his mother, but we did have telephone interaction with her a few times during meetings. 

If you have said and of this to someone, rest assured you aren't the first person and you won't be the last. And honestly, this may not bug everyone like it bugs me, but I have a pretty good idea that I am NOT in the minority here.  It you have said it to me, I still love you. Unless, you are some person from the grocery store line. In fact, if you are in the grocery store line with someone, and adoption is mentioned,  just smile, nod, and have no opinion.  It seems that the tabloid magazines almost always make peoples IQ drop like 10 points.

Yikes!!! We were nominated for an AWARD....

Today I got the weirdest call.  It was a representative from a Congressman's office. She wanted to let us know that we were nominated for an award specifically designed for Parents that do amazing work in adoption.  I was shocked and humbled at this honor. Because, you know, it is an honor just to be nominated.  She sent me an email and requested a biography of our family that included certain information.  I figured since I have never really shared our family's story, I just assumed that everyone knew, I would share our biography on my blog. 

Here is the letter I wrote:
 

 

I am very excited that our family was nominated. We would absolutely be able to attend the events if selected. We love to travel and have always wanted to take the boys to Washington, DC. 
 

I am going to do my very best to keep my answers brief, but as you know that can be hard for a mom to do when talking about her family.
 

Josh and I were college sweethearts. After college, we got married, bought a house and always thought that children and likely adoption would be part of the equation. Shortly before our first anniversary, we learned that I was pregnant with our son, Bit. Nine weeks into our pregnancy, I started having complications. I was hospitalized and in and out of a drug induced coma the entire pregnancy. Finally, after a lot of hard work by a team of high risk doctors, Bit was born at 33 weeks gestation. He was put in NICU and had a few preemie medical problems, but over all was a happy healthy child. 
 

When Bit was a year old, we felt in our hearts that our family wasn't complete. We were advised by medical professionals not to attempt another pregnancy, so we knew that were were going to have to grow our family in an alternative way. Together, we researched adoption and we decided to pursue a foster/adoption. After speaking with a representative from foster agencies, we learned that we would likely be taking an at risk foster placement. This meant that which ever child we chose to take, we would agree to parent until permanency occurred. Permanency could mean that he went back to his biological parents or that he was adopted by our family. We had to be prepared, as a family, for things to go either way.

 

Once all of the training was completed and the home visits were done, we waited. Finally, one day, we got the call. A 6 week old baby had been released from the hospital and needed a placement that night. The placement agency said he was a "healthy, white, baby boy." He had adoption as one of the goals on his permanency plan and, of course, we said, "yes!" That night we met Biscuit.

 

He came to our home with only the clothes he was wearing, a donated car seat and nothing else. We didn't care. He needed us and our family was there for him until permanency happened- whatever that meant. We were his and he was ours, for as long as he needed it.
 

The next few days were filled with many doctors' appointments and lots of shopping. We learned that Biscuit was born in a home that didn't meet codes, in less than ideal circumstances. At birth, he tested positive for Opiates, Cocaine, Marijuana and Benzodiazipines. He was angel flighted to Vanderbilt. We also learned that he had been on ECMO. ECMO is the most aggressive form of life support that is used.

 

Biscuit's entire life has been filled with over 100 nights in Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. He has had countless surgeries and procedures. At times, it seemed that he received a new diagnosis every week. At one time, he had a hospital bracelet for every month of his life from a hospital admission. He has died in my arms 3 times. He has had at least 3-4 therapy appointments per week since he was brought to our home. Either his father or I have attended every appointment with him. He has never spent a night in a hospital alone. When Biscuit was 11 months old he had a G-tube placed. During that time, I used FMLA so I was able to stay with him during his extended hospital stay. My husband and I have learned to everything necessary to care for his medical needs and provided him everything necessary to thrive. Often, that meant paying for items and medications that insurance would not pay for out of pocket. Our life had turned upside down. 
 

During the entire two year process, we were asked several times if we wanted to continue the placement. With a foster adoption -preadoptive placement, the foster family also has the opportunity disrupt the placement if they feel that the child is not a good match for their family. The DCS workers and his guardian at litem were compelled to ask because Biscuit's care was so involved. Each time, we declined the offer to disrupt the placement. It is our belief that a family does not get to pick the child that God gives them. If a family grows through birth or adoption, you just aren't meant to pick. We were given the baby that we were meant to have and we would see things through until permanency.

 

Which we did. Biscuit's adoption was finalized on November 2, 2011. Only a few weeks before he turned 2 years old.

 

Fast forward to today. Biscuit is 3 years old and Bit is 7.  Biscuit continues to be very medically involved. He has a private nurse at our home 60 hours per week; while I work as a Social Worker for Jimmy John's sub shack and his Father works as an Insurance Adjuster for Elmo. We continue to take him to therapy and all of his doctor's appointments and he continues to grow and surpass all of the expectations that doctors have provided. A child that has half of a working vocal cord can talk. He has a diagnosis of hemiparesis and can walk and run. We will never let him be just a diagnosis.

Biscuit can make a person smile on their worst day. He has taught us about perspective and what family really means. His placement has not only blessed our family beyond measure, but other families as well. In June of 2012, my husband was blessed to be able to donate a kidney to one of Biscuit's friends from Vanderbilt. Today, she is 4 and thriving.

So, that is a little about our little family. I hope this provides you with the information that you need. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I look forward to hearing back from you and I am excited at the prospect of participating in this event.

 

 

Cutting out the Cancer

Mark Glamack said, “If you surround yourself with the good and righteous, they can only raise you up. If you surround yourself with the others, they will drag you down into the doldrums of mediocrity, and they will keep you there, but only as long as you permit it."  

Holy cow was that dude right!!!  

Ladies and Gentlemen- it has been a long, rough couple of weeks.  Since Monday, Biscuit has had more medical procedures than I can count (in one day), had a seizure- like the kind that results in a non-responsive blue child and been diagnosed with MRSA in his airway and lungs.  To say that my ulcer is growing by leaps and bounds is a bit of an understatement. 

I have spent a week more or less- on the couch, staring off into space, feeling like I have an elephant on my chest.  You all have felt it- that tight chested anxiety feeling; when your lips tingle- like they are asleep. Only this wasn't caused by my puny baby. It wasn't caused by the fact that Bit is starting 2nd grade- GASP! It is caused by MY choices.  I feel like some of the people that I choose to surround myself with are, simply put, like poison.  Like a cancerous growth that has attached itself to my everyday life. Something that is slowly sucking away my self confidence.  Making me question my ability to do what is right for my children. Causing me to NOT be all that I can be where they are concerned. Which makes me think.  What can I do to change this predicament that I have put myself in?   I have decided that I will be cutting out the cancer.  

Here is the thing. If you have a friend or relative that is raising an "easy to love but hard to raise baby," cut them some darn slack.  Trust me, they get judged just fine by everyone in the world.  From the lady at the grocery store that wants to tell her how their mother's, brother's, cousin's, nephew did just that and they simply had to point their finger at them and say, "no!" and that baby walked the line. To the countless therapists, hospital social workers, doctors and specialists that can't figure out how to "fix it" so it is obviously a problem with their "home life."  WE DON'T NEED YOU TO JUDGE US TOO!!!!!!!!!  

In fact, when you do it- it is quite difficult for us to swallow. You see, families like us have only a few places that we can go where we don't live on edge.  Half of the time, we can't even spend time at our own house where we don't live on edge.  Because of the countless home visits done by those "experts" that can't figure out our kid, either.  We are either preparing for a visit or recovering from one.  Our own house isn't even a "safe place."  So, if you have taken the time and energy to express (verbally) that you are one of those friends/family members that is willing to take the good and the bad, better and worse, of our child and LOVE them AND their parents unconditionally don't take the when the going gets tough (or in this case- steroids; lots and lots of steroids) the tough gets judgmental approach.  News flash- we are aware that out kid has issues.  It isn't like we are sitting around twiddling our thumbs hoping that we can miracle him out of this one.   

Needless to say: I have decided that I don't need people like that in my life. You aren't worth it.  It is true that raising a child with special needs causes to people to isolate themselves from the world around them. Their circle of tried and true friends is certainly just that.  TRUE FRIENDS and UNCONDITIONAL FAMILY MEMBERS.  But, with "friends" and "family" like a few that I have encountered in the last year; WHO THE HECK NEEDS ENEMIES????? I for one- don't!  

So, here is your one warning: If you can't love our family, ALL OF US, unconditionally, step aside and leave us alone. You are nothing but Cancer to our awesomeness. There are a lot of things about my life I can't control, but I can and I will control this.  I won't allow my children, specifically that very active, cute, little one, to believe that he is BAD because YOU needed to blow out someone's candle just to make yours burn brighter.  Perhaps attacking the behavior of a 3 year old is causing you to feel better about your own short comings? I don't know and it isn't my problem.

I won't allow what I now realize were my own needs to hurt my babies or myself.  This mama bear is on a roll and cutting out the cancer like a hot knife goes through butter.  With that- I will be stepping OFF my soapbox now.  I promise that I will not be another blog post that isn't sunshine and rainbows for at least 6 months.  This one just had to be done. Look at it like a necessary evil :)


See the people in that picture below?? Those are the only ones whose opinion that I care about. Just in case you needed a visual aid. 

 

Top 10 Things My Kids Say...

As a Mom, I am pretty sure that I am screwing up my kids about 80% of the time. Someone (I can't remember who) once told me that if you are concerned that you are screwing your children up, you probably aren't, simply because you care enough to be concerned that you are actually NOT being a perfect parent.  But let's face it. NONE of us are perfect parent's. If you THINK you are a perfect parent,  you are wrong.  Lately, Bit and Biscuit have made some little statements that show me that I am not a complete screw up where they are concerned.  I mean, don't get me wrong, they will still have plenty of stuff to talk to their therapists about one day :)

 

So, here is a top ten list of recent quotes or actions that lead me to believe that I am not as unfit of a mother as I often feel.

 

10.  Biscuit says The Pledge of Allegiance- He is 3 years old.

 

9.  They both call either mine or my husband's name when they are scared.  That means they trust us to protect them.   

 

8.  Bit is often heard telling Biscuit that he he needs to calm down because he isn't breathing well and it isn't good for his airway.

 

7.  Biscuit sits in timeout and says, "Faith in God. Trust in God. He died for me. Can I get out now?" 

 

6.  They will both apologize when they feel that they have wronged someone AND they will accept an apology when they are wronged. (Something many adults that I know can't do.)

 

5.  Biscuit told a crying child at the YMCA childcare, "It be ok. You Mommy and Daddy will come back for you. They may have to leave, but they will always come back."

 

4. When asked, "Who's baby are you." They always respond. " I am my Momma's Baby."

 

3.  If you accidentally pull the car out of the garage and they aren't completely buckled, they make you stop the car until they are properly restrained.  Safety First :)

 

2.  Biscuit is obsessed (maybe a little too much) with sunblock application. He will tell complete strangers, "I am very concerned, you aren't wearing sunblock and you could be burned by the sun."

 

1.  Today I forgot that that I had promised to do something for Bit. When he reminded me, I turned the car around and told him that I would make good on my promise. He responded with, "Mommy I don't care that you messed up. I just love you." 

 

   

 

So, Maybe I am not as big of a parental screw up as a thought.

 

 

     

  

How the Grahams Filled Their Lovin' Cup....

I often, in an attempt to get love and kisses from my boys, will ask them to come over and fill my Lovin' Cup.  If I just want one more hug/kiss, I tell them my cup isn't full yet and I need a refill. The Biscuit often climbs in my lap and wants to hear the story about our Family "Lobin' Tup."  Until this post, I have only shared this with very few people.  Most of them, have asked me to write it out, because they feel it is a good adoption story. So, here it is.  This is our adoption story.

A long, long time ago there was a Mommy and a Daddy.  The Mommy and the Daddy loved each other more that anything in the world.  In fact, they loved each other so much that their lovin' cups were over flowing.  The love from their lovin' cup was over flowing everywhere. It flowed out of their hearts, onto the floor, out the front door and into the street!  Everywhere they went, everyone knew that Mommy and Daddy had a lot of love.

The Mommy and Daddy decided that they needed to share some of their love. They decided to ask God if they could have a baby.  God said, "yes" and put a baby in the Mommy's tummy. That baby was born and the Mommy and Daddy named him Bit.  The Mommy and Daddy loved Bit so much.  He was a sweet, wonderful little boy and had a great big heart. Bit had a big heart like his Mommy and Daddy. Now, the Graham family had a new problem. Instead of having two loving cups that were overflowing- out of their hearts, onto the floor, out the front door and into the street; The Grahams had three loving cups.  There was love spilling EVERYWHERE!!! No one could catch all of the love that was surrounding them.

So this time, Mommy, Daddy and Bit decided to talk to God again and ask Him for another person to love. This time, God said that the baby would not come from the Mommy's tummy and they wouldn't go get him from a hospital. Instead, God would pick a special baby. One that had a great big lovin' cup to fill. The baby that needed it's cup filled the most. God would send that baby to them with one of his angels.  So, the Graham's waited and waited.  They waited for what seemed like forever. Finally, one day they got a telephone call asking if they wanted a baby.  The Mommy knew in her heart that this was the baby that God had planned for their family and soon their lovin' cups would stop spilling over.  So, she said,  "Yes!!" 

That night, God sent his angel to the Graham's  home.  The angel told the family that she was bringing the family the baby to love, but she didn't know how long that the baby would get to stay. The angel said, "More that anything, this baby needs love right now. But, if God decides that another family needs this baby more, I will have to take him there."  The angel brought the baby to their home and nothing else, no clothes, no bottles, no toys- the baby had none of the things that other babies had waiting for them when they came home from the hospital.  That was ok, because the next week when she came to check on the baby she realized that the baby, who the family called Biscuit, had clothes and toys. She also realized that his lovin' cup was very, very full. In fact, she realized that the entire Graham family's lovin' cup was perfectly full. Love had stopped spilling everywhere.  This news made her very happy. Though the Grahams were very scared that Biscuit could be taken away, they continued to love Biscuit as if he were already theirs- which is what God knew that he needed.

A long, long time passed and God finally told the angel that it was time to make official, on Earth, what Heaven already knew. God said, that the angel's job was done, everyone's lovin' cups were perfect, and it was time to talk to the Judge. 

When the day came to talk to the Judge, Bit talked to the Judge. He told the Judge about everyone's lovin' cups over flowing before God sent Biscuit. He explained that now our family's lovin' cups were perfectly filled and he wanted Biscuit to be his little brother forever.  The Judge listened carefully to everything that Bit said and after careful consideration said, "Yes!!" So, the family went home, without worry that they would ever be separated. Their lovin' cups were perfectly filled and everyone got refills any time they needed them. That is how the Graham went from two overflowing  to a family of four perfectly filled lovin' cups. 

The End... or is it just the beginning?? :)

Peanut Butter Playdoh and Biscuit

I haven't posted in a while, but it is because I have been so busy.  The Bit and the Biscuit are growing like weeds and let's face it- they are time consuming.  Lately, Biscuit's sensory seeking has been, well... intense.  Of course, we moved, in June, so we are in the process of getting the house together. With two kids, and a job and a life, that takes some time!  In like the old saying goes," If you can't beat them, join them."  So, I have decided that while I put the house together, I will add little sensory things to help Biscuit... well...not kill himself.

So, I have been painting, scouring the Internet and picking the brain of his therapists to make sure that he lives in a home that allows him to be safe while getting that craving that he very much has.  Part of that craving is that he LOVES to be in the kitchen. There are so many cool sensory things in a kitchen.  Water, heat and lots of cool smells. Not to mention the input a person can get from cutting things and kneading dough. 

So, with that, I bring to you- Peanut Butter Playdoh :)

Disclaimer-  Please don't try this at home if your child is allergic to peanut butter, milk or under a year old. Also, I am not a therapist, doctor or anything else that has the authority to tell you that this is safe for your child. I am just telling you what works for my child.

Peanut butter playdoh recipe:

1/3 cup of honey
1/2 cup of peanut butter
1/2 - 1 cup of powdered milk

Mix these items together adding powdered milk until the texture is no longer sticky and resembles playdoh.  This is edible and pretty fun to play with :)

As you can see the Biscuit had a lot of fun. He likes to sprinkle and likes to add ingredients.  I gave him a little powered milk. Eventually, he conned me out of  some uncooked grits and cheese.  Which gave things a different texture and well he enjoyed it.  All in all, I would call this a success!  He ate a little bit of the playdoh and I cooked an entire meal without having fight him off of the stove or out of the sink. 

A letter to my baby on his birthday,

Little Biscuit Monster,

Happy birthday my special little one. I am so blessed and thankful that God has chosen me to be your mother.  This day is always bittersweet for me. Each year as I celebrate you entering this world, I realize that I wasn't there to protect you.  The realist in me knows that I had no control over the circumstances of your entering this world.  The optimist in me understands that without those circumstances you would never be mine.  The mommy in me will forever wish that I could have protected you. Oh Biscuit, how I wish I could have been able to wrap my love around you and shield you from all things harmful as you were growing and developing in your little womb.

Though I wasn't there then, I am here now.  I will be here forever.  I promise you that as your Mommy, I will do everything in my power to help you become the best you that you can be. 

I will try to do what is best for you. I will be your biggest cheerleader and president of your fan club.  However, there will be times, as much as it will hurt me,  I will have to let you fall. Sometimes, I will pick you up and sometimes, I will have to watch you struggle to pick yourself up.  I will do it because I have to. Because sometimes, struggles make you stronger and make you the person that you will eventually become.

I can't promise you that you will be given everything that you have ever wanted. But, I can promise you that you will have everything that you need.  I want you to appreciate the things that you do have. I want you to understand that although MY world revolves around you; Everyone else's may not.  I want you to become selfless-NOT selfish and appreciative for everything.

I want you to respect others and most of all LOVE. Love others, but most of all love yourself.  If you don't have a healthy love for yourself, you can't love anyone else. I will show you love every single day.  Even the days that you are making me crazy. 

Sweet heart, I have loved you before I even knew you. Even when there was just hope of you I loved you.  I will love you until the day that I leave this earth.  You were wanted, prayed for and fought for. You are the answer to three years of prayer.  Don't ever forget that.  You are a special little person. God has a certain purpose for you and I can't wait to see what amazing things that life has in store for you. Thank you for being "Mama's baby!"  I love you, sweet little Biscuit Monster!!

Practice makes perfect :)

 

When doctors are working they are Practicing Medicine. Medicine is a practice.  Meaning it isn't perfected. It is a fact that diseases and people evolve over time. Because of change, it will probably never be perfected.  I am telling you this because there are times, when doctors will tell a patient or a family things, giving them their best medical advice,  and something strange will happen. The doctor will be wrong.  Sometimes that results in pain and heart break. Sometimes, it results in a person beating all of the odds that were stacked against them, smacking medical advice in the face and saying, "who is your Daddy now?"  Personally, I love it when that happens!! 

Yesterday, we celebrated the Mighty Biscuit's Birthday and his Adoption day. Has has officially been legally our little love muffin for 1 year as of 11/2. On 11/23, he will turn 3. This guy continues to amaze me more and more. Each day, he "cans" another "can't", "wills" another "won't" and does it all while being rediculiously cute!!None of this is without hard work. Blood sweat and tears of a TEAM of people that want NOTHING but the best for this guy!  Of course, Biscuit isn't the only walking, talking, living, breathing miracle out there. Open your eyes and look around. They are abundant.  God ain't no slacker. 

Without further adieu, I present you with a visual proof of miracles in the making.  The baby on the left is my little man. The one on the right, is Dax.  To read about Dax, you need to click here.  I could go on and on about the coolness of Dax, but you need to read it and digest it for yourself.  Besides, his mother is the funniest person I know!!! 

Chase on his Birthday.



Dax on his Birthday

Two boys, whose mommies are STILL told what they wouldn't, shouldn't and can't do climbing a rock wall at a birthday party.

Sometimes, life is amazing!!

  

Epic Failure...

So, I am the first to admit it.  I am a horrible blogger. I haven't blogged in like 2 months.  Rest assured, that I know you all were crying yourself to sleep at night- missing my witty explanations of the crazy things that happen in my life.  The things that have got to be true because no one in their right or wrong mind could POSSIBLY make this stuff up.  For that, I am sorry. But, no news is good news- right?  Right!  

Things have been great! The Biscuit has been healthy for the most part.  The Bit started 1st Grade. He got the teacher I BEGGED for! My, oh my, how I love that man! Maggie is doing wonderful!!!  Each and every time that I say that my heart swells with pride!! SWELLS!!!  Holy cow, I love that little girl. Jaggie, loves its new home (I can't decide if Jaggie is a boy or a girl)  I guess it is a kidney with an identity crisis.  But, that is so far from the point of this blog it isn't even funny.  

Then, the other shoe dropped!!!  Well, it kind of fell and splattered, like a toddler falling off a statue, in the middle of a cub scout meeting, having a SEIZURE!  You guessed it... MY TODDLER!  

So, picture this if you will. Mommy realizing that her toddler is having a seizure, in the middle of 9 seven year old little boys.  How do you hide this so the little boys aren't scared for life?? I must admit, I did an amazing job! I scooped him up off the concrete, took him away from all of the other kids and, once he was fine, let his seizure drunk little behind stumble after all of the big kids sporting his goose egg from the fall.  Then, I tell my husband and another Dad, I thought he might have a seizure, when in reality... I lied. 

Which leads me to my moment of EPIC FAILURE... We called the neurologist and after the fourth seizure, Mr. Biscuit had to be put in an anticonvulsant.   I just failed, again.  I lost the fight against the Gtube. I lost the fight against medicating him so he would sleep at night. Trust me, this wasn't a decision we took lightly. He has still never slept through the night. Now, I have lost the fight against seizure medication.  I am sick! I am RAGING ANGRY!!

Angry because he can't get a break.  Angry at his birth mother because she did this to him.  Angry at myself because I can't fix it!  Isn't that my job as Mommy??  I fix things. It is my job to make his life perfect and I can't.   

Someone said, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it is about learning to dance in the rain."  I guess, I better put on my big girl pants and start boogieing. Because, I know one little cutie that has no intention of sitting around feeling defeated.  God's weakest creatures are usually the ones that have the most to teach.  I think I need to slow down and learn from my little man.  Now, hopefully, I can follow my own advice.

 


 

How is Josh??

Since I get asked this question a whole lot, I guess I better get around to answering it. So, how is ole Josh?

Here is the long and short answer.

Physically, Josh is still in a lot of pain. The funny thing is that most of the pain is coming from his hip. Seriously. He has complained from the moment that he woke up about his hip hurting. Initially, we were told it was from the extended amount of time that he spent laying on his right side during the surgery. However, doctors are starting to doubt this little theory and have decided that he will likely be getting some follow up testing on Tuesday when he goes in for his post op follow up appointment. He is still taking pain medications every 6 hours around the clock. He says that he can really tell if he is late with a dose. He will wake up in the middle of the night and know that it is time for medication. This may be more about Josh than anyone ever wanted to know, but at least it isn't accompanied by a picture this time. Josh is a really hair guy. His tummy got shaved for the surgery. Now it is starting to grow back...Josh is a very itchy dude right now ;)

Emotionally, Josh is doing well. He gets frustrated that he physically isn't able to do things that were once very easy for him- like lift a full gallon of milk. The social worker in me keeps looking for the emotions that are supposed to come with living organ donation to show up. So, I will tell you what I have observed with Josh. It is basically this...he seems to feel very paternal and protective toward Maggie. He worries about her a great deal. He asks me every time he wakes up if I have heard anything about Maggie. Laura, Maggie's Mom, is awesome about letting us know about what is going on with Maggie. That makes him very, very happy ;). He also says, that he feels this very intense urge to see to it that Maggie feels better. He is her knight in shining armor.

He seems to be handling it all very well. Every single day, he gets cards and well wishes (many from strangers) in the mail. They mean a lot to him. They are very encouraging. I think his favorite was addressed to "Josh, kidney donor" from a 9 year old girl named Apryl. It was so adorable. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, cards, well wishes, meals and encouraging words. You guys are amazing! You are all heros in our eyes.


It is funny how it takes about a week to go from this....

To this......

He will keep healing. He will keep getting stronger.  And eventually, this will just go into our book of wild, crazy adventures as one of the best trips yet!!

Be Courageous...Choose Love

" You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."- We Bought a Zoo

For Josh, that twenty seconds occured the day he chose to fill out the form just to see if he would be a candidate to give Sweet Maggie her kidney. Honestly, it took him about 20 seconds, maybe less, to say, "let's do this" when I asked him if he wanted to give it a try.

Fast forward a couple of months, close to 50 vials of blood, several needle sticks, many doctors appointments and a major surgery and here we are today. Josh is downstairs recovering. Still in a lot of pain, but so happy that Jaggie is doing it's job in sweet little Maggie.

He says he doesn't feel different, but I think he means that he can't tell that his kidney isn't there. How in the world could you possibly not feel different when a week ago you walked into a hospital Josh Graham, ok dude and several hours later, your kidney was working beautifully in a sweet baby giving her a second chance at a normal life?

Obviously, he is still in a lot of physical pain. We knew that was par for the course when we signed him up for this great big adventure. Our boys are having a hard time with the schedule change. They aren't used to Daddy not being able to do things with/for them. They aren't used to him being at home all the time. They weren't used to him being away for a week. That is the longest Biscuit has been away from us in his entire life.

Is it worth it??? Yes.

Would he do it again- knowing then, what he knows now??? In a heart beat.

This was an amazing experience. Sitting in that waiting room. Surrounded by people wearing their Maggie shirts, knowing that they were there for one common goal, was an amazing, awe inspiring experience. Too many times people focus their attention and energy on a cause out of hate. They hate something so they want to block it, stop it or protest it. Sometimes, they know it is a lost cause, but they choose to spend their resources hating it anyway. Rarely, is that attention paid to something out of love.

On June 25th, I witnessed love. I saw love for that little girl in its truest, most pure form. Love like that is rarely seen. It is like a lunar eclipse (how many of you are about to google the number of lunar eclipses per year...fess up.)

So, be courageous. Choose love. It sounds all soft and sugary sweet, but it is true. I know that it is a whole lot easier said that done, but,  I promise, it won't hurt you to try.

Oh and just in case you missed it... or didn't know it existed. Here is the link to their latest news coverage.

Maggie and Josh's 15 minutes gets a little longer :)

T- Minus one day and counting...

WOW!! So here we are.... one day before the BIG day.  I bet a lot of you guys wonder what we are doing. After surviving the second appointmentpalooza on Tuesday... YES, there are two of them. We have treated today just like any other presurgery day.  Remember, our child has some pretty significant medical needs.... we go to the hospital and stay for weeks all the time.  This is the first time we are going where Josh is the patient.  So, today has been spent trying to organize this house.  So the wonderful people that have volunteered to take care of the boys while we are gone don't have to live in the chaos of moving. 


Am I scared???? Heck yeah!!  Today as I looked at Josh and asked him what he wanted to for breakfast, I smiled and said, "Oh and can you do me a favor and not die tomorrow??"  I meant it.  I love my husband, I do. But, the fact of the matter is that I couldn't successfully parent my children without him.  These two are some hard kids to raise!  With regard to the risk of the surgery.  Josh does have two arteries going to his kidney.  Most people have one. This does increase the risk of the procedure for Josh. This risk is something that Josh spoken to the doctors about.  It is a risk that he is willing to take. I support him in this decision.   

So for those of you wondering what it is like on the donor front. This is what the last day before transplant is like.  You wake up and can have breakfast.  Following that, you get a clear liquid diet for the entire day until midnight. Much like a Gremlin, you get cut off after midnight.  About an hour ago Josh had to drink a bottle of Mag Citrate.  This is to start the pre surgical "cleansing."  Poor guy.... We are all speculating that none of this is really necessary.  We think that this is just an evil plot by the hospital to see if he really meant it when he said that Maggie could have his kidney! 

On a lighter note... there is a new girl that has Josh's heart.  I mean she has always had it, but now she REALLY, REALLY has it.  Maggie!  Maggie likes to call Josh. She is so funny!!  A few days ago, we all took the kids Bit, Maggie and Hannah (Maggie's Big Sister) to a Child Life appointment. Child Life is a team at Vanderbilt that will explain procedures to children that either they or a sibling are having. It takes the fear out of things. Sorry, totally off the subject. When I walked into the room she looked at me like I was missing something and said, "Where is Josh??"   I explained to her that he was at work, but he would be all hers on Monday!!   I love that she loves him!  I mean, she doesn't have to and Josh would totally still do this, but it is kind of cute!  They talked on the telephone today.  I am pretty sure that they will have a little "date" once they heal up and start to feel better in the hospital.  Don't worry, I will take pictures. 

It is the best thing ever that another girl has his heart. Soon, she will have his kidney!

It takes a village...

Needless to say, our family has gotten a lot of publicity regarding the kidney donation and adopting a special needs child in the last few months.  People tend to react one of two ways. First, they smile and make some type of physical contact with us- a handshake or a hug. Then, they tell us that we have earned our spot/crown/something in heaven.  The other way, is that they wait until our back is turned and say, "No one is really this good."

Here is what I have to say... Because everyone knows, I have an opinion.

For the latter group, I really don't care what you think or say.  Your mind can't be changed and your attitude will always be poor.  You are the minority- thank God.  I pray for you. I pray that you never find yourself in a situation where you need help. I pray that another person never finds theirself in the situation where your help is their only hope. 

For you guys in the first group... this is my answer to you. It takes a village to raise a child.  That isn't just some cute saying that your grandmother cross stitched into a sampler when you were a baby.  It is a true statement.  Yes, Josh is doing something for Maggie that is amazing.  But, there is no way in the world that this would be possible without the LOVE and SUPPORT that he has been shown by everyone! 

Saturday we moved. Saturday, we moved in THREE hours from start to finish.  WHY??? Because we had about 30 people helping us.  I didn't even know a lot of these people. Some that I did know, I had not seen since high school. They weren't there because they really wanted to help us move that weekend.  They were there because they wanted Maggie to have her transplant.  We are thankful for each and every one of those people. Those people are part of Maggie's village.

During the move, we had a family member of Maggie bring lunch to the moving crew.  People have signed up to make meals for our family following the surgery during Josh's recovery.  Thank you!!

By now, it isn't a secret that Josh and I don't really have a lot of contact with our parents.  It is a choice that we have made, based on the type of environment that we want to provide for our children.  But, we have an awesome support system.  Friends and family members have volunteered to do everything for us including walk our dog, water our lawn and caring for our two boys during the time that Josh is in the hospital.  Thank you!!

The point to this entire rant was to explain that I understand that what is happening here is great!!! Maggie is getting the kidney that she desperately needs!  God's hands are all over this and it is an amazing thing to watch from my front row seat.  But, I don't think that many of you realize the part that YOU have played.  Every tshirt, every prayer, every share on Facebook. Everyone of you that lifted, packed, unpacked boxes. Every meal, every text message or word of encouragement.  You are helping!!!!   YOU are AMAZING!!  So, even if you don't see it. I do, we do... God does.  Thank you!

The article from the Tennessean about Josh and Maggie

Wow!! Our fifteen minutes of fame, MAY actually be 15 minutes- if we add them all together :)

Father's Day Tennessean Sumner AM story

They don't prepare you for Kindergarten Graduation in the NICU!

WOW!!  Ok, so I am not ok.  Picking Bit up from school today, he just informed me that he had two....TWO days left of Kindergarten!  Where have I been???  I mean, I knew that this was coming.  I thought that I would have time to ask the doctor for a Xanax prescription just so I could make it through...just kidding. Well, maybe not... I don't know.

I mean, HOW do people do this??? Let their kids grow up and stuff. I think it is no secret, I adore my children.  I really do!  The Bit is a VERY wanted human being.  I begged his father for him. I had to check every little detail off the list: College degree...CHECK, Marriage.... CHECK, House....CHECK. I finally, stopped his little check list when he decided that we needed a storage barn BEFORE we had a baby! That is a man that likes to draaagggg his feet. 

Here I was pregnant and SOOOO happy!!!  Until I got SOOO sick!! I remember laying in a hospital bed and the doctor said these words to me, "Tonya, I am not sure that you should continue with this pregnancy."  I was on a lot of drugs (prescribed ones) in the hospital and at first I really didn't get what he was saying, so my initial response was, "huh?"  Again he said, "Tonya, I am not sure that your body can make it through this pregnancy. You need to consider not having this baby." I looked at him, still fuzzy...I said, " Wait a minute... you want me to TERMINATE my pregnancy???"  The next part of what I said to him could have been said a million other ways but remember, I lost 30 pounds in 9 weeks.  I was on so much medication I had lost control of my arms and my legs.  I couldn't keep anything down, and I had not had food or liquid by mouth in over a week. Let's just assume that I was a sick little monkey! I looked at that doctor and said, "Whoa buddy, I knew what I was doing when I put this baby in here and if you can't get the TWO of us to term, you need to find me someone that can."  And that is exactly what he did. He found me a team of high risk OBGYNs and they worked miracles.  Some days were better than others.  Bed rest.... well, it stinks!  I remember when my goal was to be able to walk to my bathroom from my bedroom (they are connected).  It was a hard 33 weeks.  But worth each and every minute of pure hell that it was!


They finally had to induce labor and he was born 33 minutes into my 34th week. He was huge, for a preemie. Born at a whopping 6 pounds and 13 ounces he was truly the biggest baby in the NICU with the crappiest lungs. You know, a wise man once told me, "it doesn't matter how big your baby is, if they can't breathe, you are still a scared Mommy." I was just that.

Finally, the Itty Bitty (now just Bit) got to come home- on MY birthday.  I was so happy!! I was so ready!! Finally, I got to feel like a real Mommy!  It was GREAT.  That day the phone rang off the wall...people were checking on Bit and making sure he was doing well. No one said, "Happy Birthday" to me. I didn't care!  God gave me the only Birthday gift I could ever ask for! 

There have been a few bumps in the road with his health- because he was born early, but nothing we couldn't handle. I like to think that Bit was born just to prepare us for Biscuit.  WOW! That is a WHOLE different story!

Seems like just yesterday my little man was in my arms. I can't wait to see what the future holds for my biggest, little man. He has taught me so much already. The first one being to "Believe in miracles, because the happen every day!"  So, enjoy the pictures of him growing up.  Personally, they break my heart!  Mommy loves you my ALMOST first grader!!

Brand new with my Dad

One year old

2 years old

3 years old

4 years old

4 with hair :)

5 years old.

6 years old. 

   WOW!! Where did the time go????

Fact or Fiction????

I have to admit, this entire situation is kind of weird.  Random guy adopts a special needs kid and has a six year old that is typically developing.  You would think he has his plate full, right?? Yes, yes it is!! His plate is full. Then, in his leisure time, he decides he is going to give a kidney to a little girl he has never met. Hey, he has two right??    Now is plate is REALLY full. This guy's plate is full like a  Thanksgiving turkey placed on a dessert plate... not the kind that you all actually use for dessert- those are called dinner plates :)  The small ones that you are SUPPOSED to use. 

Now that I am hungry for dessert, I will carry on :)

I get it.  We all get it. There is a little skeptic in all of us.  Especially me.  Sometimes skepticism causes people to talk to each other.  Usually when this happens, little things called rumors are born.  Now, usually these things are harmless.  VERY harmless, but have you ever played the game telephone???  Exactly. If you haven't played telephone, you were totally robbed as a child and I suggest you go to every teacher, youth group leader, coach and girl/boy scout leader involved in your life, and demand a refund!  Or you could just ask a friend :)


So, this blog post is entitled FACT or FICTION.  It is a compiled list of little things we have been told out and about, that may or may NOT be true.  Just to clear the air. Maybe, to make me feel better. Also, this isn't the result of one incident or one person. Again, just to clear the air. 


1.  Josh is actually Maggie's cousin.

Answer: FICTION- Maggie has a cousin named Josh.  Her donor Josh isn't her cousin.  I know that my 4 loyal blog readers already know this, but just in case someone didn't get the memo, they just met a few weeks ago.

2.  Josh is being paid by the Watson- Meador family to give Maggie his kidney.

Answer: FICTION- Selling/Purchasing organs is very illegal and just a really bad idea.  Josh is giving it up freely and willingly.  He doesn't mind.  We aren't expecting anything in return. Except, maybe an invitation to her birthday party or Kindergarten graduation. It isn't everyday that your kidney gets to graduate Kindergarten for the second time, is it?

3.  This donation will never work because Josh is so much bigger that Maggie. 

Answer: FICTION-  The kidney will actually go in Maggie's abdomen.  Not where her kidneys are now.  A kidney donor must be over 18 years old.  Therefore, ANY live donor Maggie received a kidney from, would be an adult. 

4.  After Maggie receives this kidney she will be cured.

Answer: FICTION- This is just another medical treatment for Maggie.  As much as it hurts me to the core to admit it, Maggie won't be cured by this.  Maggie WILL get to be off of dialysis.  Maggie's new kidney could last 20 minutes, 2 years or 20 years.  No one knows.  But, I guess we will all find out together.

5.  Our family is moving. 

Answer: FACT- Yes, we have a contract on our current home. We are moving to Gallatin so we can live in a town that has an ER (for our own son) and be closer to Vanderbilt.  We also need more space!  We have a contract on a home and are schedule to close around June 8th.  Josh WILL NOT be able to do any heavy lifting OR excessive exercise during this time.  This is to reduce the risk of an abnormal urinalysis. Exercise can cause protein in urine and would stop the donation process.  So, if any of you know a good mover or have a magic wand. That would be great!!

6.  We have lots of help for Josh's recovery. 

Answer-A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH :) While we don't have "lots of help," the help we do have is loyal, loving and good.  To be totally honest, I am scared to death about this.  Josh won't be able to do a lot and our life is...well, intense at times. It will be hard.  I will not decline a casserole being tossed in my direction during this recovery. 

We did have to make plans to include Biscuit being hospitalized at the same time that Josh is in the hospital or recovering.  He is actually due for a hospitalization, so it could very well happen.  PLEASE pray that it doesn't. 


7. A not for profit agency is paying our family's bills while Josh is out of work recovering from the surgery.

Answer: FICTION-  Without going into too much detail about out finances, I will say this.  Josh has a short term disability policy from his employer. This policy will pay him a percentage of his pay after a one week waiting period.  After 6 weeks of payment, that amount will reduce as he will transition to long term disability.  Our family has budgeted for him to be off work.

8.  Josh will be responsible for his medical bills from the surgery.

Answer: FICTION- No donor is required to pay medical bills from their procedure.  This is paid by Maggie's insurance.  Normal annual follow up will be paid by the donor's insurance.  But, he will not be responsible for medical bills.  We will have increased expenses from living in a hospital for a week, Vanderbilt isn't a cheap place to be, but neither is Walmart :)


While we are on the subject of expenses. Raise the Praise is the weekend of June 1st and 2nd. Laura, Maggie's Mommy, and Josh will be speaking about Maggie and bringing awareness to live organ donation.  In addition, they will also be selling Tshirts to off set some of the medical expenses.  These shirts also remind people about Maggie and that there is power in prayer.  It reminds people to pray for Maggie.  So, I strongly suggest that you all buy one :) Personally, I know I will be sporting mine on surgery day.  I am still trying to convince Josh to put a little pink hair bow on for the transplant surgery. Just so the doctor's remember where that kidney is going :)  Wouldn't it be great if on June 25th (surgery day) EVERYONE had on a Maggie's Prayer Warriors Tshirt??

I hope that this doesn't come accross as mean, snotty or just ugly. That isn't the intention at all. But, maybe when you are sitting at the local diner and you hear about that guy that is giving that little girl the kidney, you can just set them straight.  Really, we don't have anything to hide. If you want to know, just ask.  Yes, people can just be willing to help with no strings. Maggie is a child of God and we love her like she is our own.  If everyone felt that way about EVERY child in the world, things would change quickly. Too may of us wait to see if someone else will help and nothing ever happens.  Then, we all sit around devastated because no one did anything.  Be the one that does something.  It is OK to be the minority!! 

So, with all of that said and TOTALLY off the subject. The Bit was the groom in the QU wedding at school. His "friend girl" (not a girl friend, but WAYYY more than a friend) was the bride. We had a lot of fun with it. Here are some pictures! ENJOY!

Mrs. Crane's 2011-2012 Kindergarten at OneTrueMedia.com

I love these babies!! Even the mean ones :)

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Josh and Maggie's "First Look."

You know that moment?  The one where you see your future spouse on your wedding day. The one where your new baby is placed in your arms for the first time.  That feeling of magic and euphoria, where time stops, the world stands still and you forget everything else in the world, except that one human being you have just locked eyes with.  The moment Maggie met Josh wasn't so much like that.  What did you people think that this was? A fairy tale or something??? 

Ok... seriously,  Maggie is a 3 year old little girl.  Three year old children don't usually go running to anyone that they haven't met - through a field full of wild flowers in slow motion- and say, "Oooohhhh Thank you."  No, Maggie did just what any 3 year old in the world would have done.  She curled up safely and comfortably in the loving arms of her Mommy and looked at Josh out of the corner of her eyes until she decided that she wanted to get down and see what this weird grown up was all about.  

Finally, when she decided that she was ready, she got down and with careful consideration started to boss him around.  They played, they swung, they talked about princesses.  Finally, she let him catch her on the slide.  Eventually, he was able to pick her up, swing her around and give her a great big hug! 

Honestly, watching this sweet embrace was...well, epic!  I just don't know of another word to describe it.  I am pretty sure that I am an expert on my husband.  He thinks I can read his mind... yes, it scares him :)  Well, when I watched Josh hug this little girl, take in the sweet, angelic sent of her blond hair, I know we both realized that this wasn't an abstract thing anymore. This was the baby that HE was going to give the gift of life.  How many men can say they gave life to someone??? 

 

The entire thing is just very humbling and amazing.  So, after all was said and done. After the media left and the kids got good and dirty playing together... we all went and enjoyed Mexican.  Maggie's  Mom, Laura, and I have decided that the best way to say "thank you" for an organ (although thank you isn't necessary... being allowed to help is thanks enough) is through the gift of CHEESE DIP :)

Oh one more thing... To the Meadors and their family, you guys are AMAZING.  Thanks for being sooo awesome!  Thanks for allowing us to spend time with you before this crazy adventure goes into full swing.  Thanks for letting us help Maggie. It is truly an honor.