Last week a historical event happened. I went to the movies all by myself. Yes, I went. I ordered a large popcorn and a large drink. I held it in MY lap and I ate it! None of said popcorn ended up down my shirt and a drink was not spilled on me. It was a lovely experience. I went to see this new movie called October Baby, and like everything in life, I used it as a way to try to become less of an unfit mother/person... because we all seem unfit at times, don't we???
You can read about October Baby by clicking on the name. But I can provide you with the short and dirty version without providing too many spoilers.
Basically, this college age girl named Hannah has some pretty serious medical issues. She has lung issues, seizures and some hip issues. She ends up in the hospital and is told at 19 years old that she was adopted. She is also told that she is an abortion survivor. Hannah goes out on a quest to find her birth mother and wants to meet her. Well, she has a journey of discovery and ultimately learned about forgiveness.
Let me stop right here and say, THIS BLOG ENTRY IS NOT ABOUT ABORTION. As a woman that was advised by medical experts to abort a baby and refused, as a person who
Stepping off my soap box now, I will carry on :)
Watching Hannah go through this experience, I learned a lot about myself as a person. I learned that I spend entirely too much time holding on to hurt feelings. I spend so much time looking at Biscuit and, honestly, hating his birth mother for all of the things that she did to him. All of the time that she spent hurting him. Because she was selfish. Finally, when he goes to a family that loves him more than life itself, she won't just let him go, let him be happy. No, she had to drag that process out too. By not showing up to visitation and never even attempting to meet the person that was raising "her" child, she just left him alone in the world and luckily he found someone to make sure he was ok. I am angry!! To say the least, I have a lot of aggression toward her. I really do and it probably isn't healthy. But, "to be human is to be beautifully flawed." This is one of of those flaws that makes me real beautiful.
If I stepped back and looked at my sweet little man, I would know that she had to have some good in her. She had to, she made someone that has heart, iron will and determination like nothing I have ever seen. I realize that she took wrong turns in her life. I know that her life was basically one wrong turn from the very beginning. Although, I don't feel that it an excuse for anyone, I know that I can't judge her. I don't know her story. I know, "life isn't always black and white, I can hate the crime, but not hate the criminal."
Does this mean that I won't want to play a game of "Whack a Birth Parent" each and every time that I have to hold him so tightly that my arms hurt just so he can get the sensory stimulation that he craves??? Or when he wants to go outside and I can't let him because he is too young to understand that he is having a breathing is optional kind of day??? Or when he is crying out because of some medical procedure and I can't stop the pain. Or, when he gets asked not to come to the YMCA or to Mother's Day Out because they are too scared of his medical issues??? All he wants to be is a typical two year old! No, that isn't what it means.
It does mean, I have to see the good in her. I have to forgive. I have to understand that hating her does nothing but plant a small seed of bitterness in me. I don't want that. It isn't good for my babies. Besides, he is part of her. Never, in a million years, could I hate one of the two great loves of my life. One day, he may meet her. I want him to be a big enough person to be able to look at her and say, "I forgive you."