Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Epic Failure...

So, I am the first to admit it.  I am a horrible blogger. I haven't blogged in like 2 months.  Rest assured, that I know you all were crying yourself to sleep at night- missing my witty explanations of the crazy things that happen in my life.  The things that have got to be true because no one in their right or wrong mind could POSSIBLY make this stuff up.  For that, I am sorry. But, no news is good news- right?  Right!  

Things have been great! The Biscuit has been healthy for the most part.  The Bit started 1st Grade. He got the teacher I BEGGED for! My, oh my, how I love that man! Maggie is doing wonderful!!!  Each and every time that I say that my heart swells with pride!! SWELLS!!!  Holy cow, I love that little girl. Jaggie, loves its new home (I can't decide if Jaggie is a boy or a girl)  I guess it is a kidney with an identity crisis.  But, that is so far from the point of this blog it isn't even funny.  

Then, the other shoe dropped!!!  Well, it kind of fell and splattered, like a toddler falling off a statue, in the middle of a cub scout meeting, having a SEIZURE!  You guessed it... MY TODDLER!  

So, picture this if you will. Mommy realizing that her toddler is having a seizure, in the middle of 9 seven year old little boys.  How do you hide this so the little boys aren't scared for life?? I must admit, I did an amazing job! I scooped him up off the concrete, took him away from all of the other kids and, once he was fine, let his seizure drunk little behind stumble after all of the big kids sporting his goose egg from the fall.  Then, I tell my husband and another Dad, I thought he might have a seizure, when in reality... I lied. 

Which leads me to my moment of EPIC FAILURE... We called the neurologist and after the fourth seizure, Mr. Biscuit had to be put in an anticonvulsant.   I just failed, again.  I lost the fight against the Gtube. I lost the fight against medicating him so he would sleep at night. Trust me, this wasn't a decision we took lightly. He has still never slept through the night. Now, I have lost the fight against seizure medication.  I am sick! I am RAGING ANGRY!!

Angry because he can't get a break.  Angry at his birth mother because she did this to him.  Angry at myself because I can't fix it!  Isn't that my job as Mommy??  I fix things. It is my job to make his life perfect and I can't.   

Someone said, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it is about learning to dance in the rain."  I guess, I better put on my big girl pants and start boogieing. Because, I know one little cutie that has no intention of sitting around feeling defeated.  God's weakest creatures are usually the ones that have the most to teach.  I think I need to slow down and learn from my little man.  Now, hopefully, I can follow my own advice.