Things have been great! The Biscuit has been healthy for the most part. The Bit started 1st Grade. He got the teacher I BEGGED for! My, oh my, how I love that man! Maggie is doing wonderful!!! Each and every time that I say that my heart swells with pride!! SWELLS!!! Holy cow, I love that little girl. Jaggie, loves its new home (I can't decide if Jaggie is a boy or a girl) I guess it is a kidney with an identity crisis. But, that is so far from the point of this blog it isn't even funny.
Then, the other shoe dropped!!! Well, it kind of fell and splattered, like a toddler falling off a statue, in the middle of a cub scout meeting, having a SEIZURE! You guessed it... MY TODDLER!
So, picture this if you will. Mommy realizing that her toddler is having a seizure, in the middle of 9 seven year old little boys. How do you hide this so the little boys aren't scared for life?? I must admit, I did an amazing job! I scooped him up off the concrete, took him away from all of the other kids and, once he was fine, let his seizure drunk little behind stumble after all of the big kids sporting his goose egg from the fall. Then, I tell my husband and another Dad, I thought he might have a seizure, when in reality... I lied.
Which leads me to my moment of EPIC FAILURE... We called the neurologist and after the fourth seizure, Mr. Biscuit had to be put in an anticonvulsant. I just failed, again. I lost the fight against the Gtube. I lost the fight against medicating him so he would sleep at night. Trust me, this wasn't a decision we took lightly. He has still never slept through the night. Now, I have lost the fight against seizure medication. I am sick! I am RAGING ANGRY!!
Angry because he can't get a break. Angry at his birth mother because she did this to him. Angry at myself because I can't fix it! Isn't that my job as Mommy?? I fix things. It is my job to make his life perfect and I can't.
Someone said, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it is about learning to dance in the rain." I guess, I better put on my big girl pants and start boogieing. Because, I know one little cutie that has no intention of sitting around feeling defeated. God's weakest creatures are usually the ones that have the most to teach. I think I need to slow down and learn from my little man. Now, hopefully, I can follow my own advice.
I'm a disBoards poster who finally got around to reading your blog recently. Sorry for the long post and I hope it doesn't come across as overly harsh or anything. I just was compelled to say these things to you.
ReplyDeleteYou have not failed your son by needing to put him on a seizure medication. You haven't failed him because he needs medications to sleep. I know how important it is for mothers to be able to fix things, but maybe the medications are part of the "fixing". Would you be failing him if he had an infection and he needed antibiotics? Of course not. There is no reason for you to be angry with yourself because you are doing the best you can to give him the support he needs to be the best he can. No one can ask you to do more than that. And the medications and things like the g-tube may actually make him more able to do things rather than holding him back (so be more of a fix than you think).
I would say your anger is definitely far better aimed at his birth mother. That said, what good does it do at this point to be angry at her? She certainly won't know about it and I know from first hand experience how draining anger is. There's no point in hurting yourself over her because at this point she's not worth it.
I have a genetic condition most likely passed to me by my mother. She's never been diagnosed because she hasn't had anywhere near the severity of symptoms as I have, but as far as we can tell the subtle signs were there in her, her mother, and some of my other relatives on that side of the family. Even though I've had some major surgeries (and will probably need more), have been unable to work since I was 25, use a wheelchair, have chronic pain, and who knows what else will happen (although, at least, early death is unlikely), I'm not angry with her for it. The only parts in all of the many years I was undiagnosed or in my time since diagnosis that has ever gotten me angry or upset with either of my parents have been when they didn't listen to me about how I felt. Otherwise, I know my parents have done their best to do what they can for me.
I strongly don't believe that any of my impairments (which include physical impairments, mental health problems, and learning disabilities - although they aren't all from the genetic condition) have ruined my life. Instead, they've opened up opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise and directly contributed to my finding some of my closest friends. My various impairments are all part of who I am, but they are not all of who I am. I wouldn't be the same person without them and I happen to like who I am :-)
I know this all sounds irrelevant, but I wanted to let you know that no matter what Biscuit can have a good and happy life and that he is not going to blame you for not "fixing" him. The g-tube, the medications, the sensory problems, etc. do not define who he is or what he will do as a person. They are part of him and his life, but they are not all of him.