"Because it is my week to be special."

"Because it is my week to be special."  These were the words that I helped my sweet Bit write as he filled out his Star of the Week poster for school, and the words that made me want to break down and cry right there in front of my 6 year old.   Many of you wonder, "Why would that make you cry, Tonya? Get a grip."  Trust me, I have a grip.  I have a firm grip.

I have a grip that tells me that any minute now our life- the one that looks perfect on the outside could all come tumbling down and there is nothing I can do about it.  Josh and I have looked at each other SEVERAL times in PICU, sitting there praying that Biscuit can keep up the good fight and in our hearts, we were the most worried about Bit.  The words, " Because it is my week to be special," may as well have been a brick to my face saying, "Does he know how SPECIAL he really is???" 

At that moment, I told him he was special ALL of the time. Not just this week.  I mean, we are talking about a little boy that selflessly shared his life and all of his belongings with a new little life and ONLY had 2 hours...TWO to get used to the idea!!  Most of us take more time than that to get used to the idea that we are going to get a new CAR, not a new BROTHER. On January 19th, 2010, life as he knew it changed.  He went from being the center of our world to the healthy one.  The one that we didn't have to worry about because, "we knew he would be ok."  But, is he ok???  God- please, please tell me that this didn't send him into years on therapy when he is in his 20s...PLEASE. 

People see the relationship that I have with Bit and think I am a "helicopter mom."  Helicopter because I hover.  What they don't see is me letting Bit go in the lobby of Vanderbilt as I tell him that I will be home as soon as Biscuit gets better and to be a good boy for which ever family member has agreed to take over parenting until I get back home.  They don't see the tears well up in his eyes...they don't see me cry all the way back up the the PICU in the elevator and pull myself together before I push the "magic button" to go back, sit in PICU and pray that BOTH my babies will know just how Special they actually are.