Stupid Holland.... Stupid Tulips

As a special needs mom, I have never ever found myself looking at a typically developing child thinking, " why couldn't my baby be like that?"  Never. I have always looked at Biscuit and seen a little boy that has more fight and will than anyone I have ever met.

Today, was different.

Today,  I sat eating at a hibachi grill, with Biscuit's nurse, on our way to feeding therapy.  A couple with a little girl about Biscuit's age shared a table with us.  A few times, I heard the little girl talking to her family. She was using sentences. I could understand her. She did all of this while she ate.  She didn't throw food, she didn't sensory seek. She was a completely typical two year old.   I sat eating, juggling Biscuit- begging him to sit and eat just one bite, wishing I could understand HALF of what he wants to tell me. I realized that NOTHING about our situation was typical. In fact, we were anything but typical. Today, I wished my baby was just...well... "normal."  Then, I had to fight back tears, because this thought even went through my head.

I hear that this is something that most special needs parents go through. Of course, then there is the guilt of not accepting your baby for who he is. I just assumed I was better than that.  Like I knew better.  I guess it is like one of the steps involved in grieving what could have been and learning to accept unconditionally what is.  I don't know.  I know that every time we uncovered a little piece of the puzzle that is Biscuit we got asked, "Do you still want to go through with this?"  The answer was always, "Yes!"  He was ours and we were his. I know that you don't get to pick with God gives you. No matter how you grow your family.  It is never an option.  People think it is, but it isn't that simple. 

I take the time to look at Biscuit and I realize how far he has come.  I think of the doctor's faces when they walk into a room after reading his chart and see him climbing around like a wild man.  When they tell me that he isn't supposed to be able to walk, sit up or hold up his own head. I think of the response that I always give them, "Well, we didn't tell him that. It was none of his business."  I realize that we have a long way to go, but maybe I am lucky because we get to celebrate the small things, like breathing... maybe??  I realize that we are in Holland when we thought that we were getting a trip to Italy, but even the least unfit mothers have to take the time to kick those stupid tulips and think that Italy may have just been fun!!  But, then you stop.  Step back and stop focusing on the things that your child can't/won't/may not do and only imagine the things that they could. 

Here he is emptying my wallet into his piggy bank. Obviously, some things are "typical." :)