Cutting out the Cancer

Mark Glamack said, “If you surround yourself with the good and righteous, they can only raise you up. If you surround yourself with the others, they will drag you down into the doldrums of mediocrity, and they will keep you there, but only as long as you permit it."  

Holy cow was that dude right!!!  

Ladies and Gentlemen- it has been a long, rough couple of weeks.  Since Monday, Biscuit has had more medical procedures than I can count (in one day), had a seizure- like the kind that results in a non-responsive blue child and been diagnosed with MRSA in his airway and lungs.  To say that my ulcer is growing by leaps and bounds is a bit of an understatement. 

I have spent a week more or less- on the couch, staring off into space, feeling like I have an elephant on my chest.  You all have felt it- that tight chested anxiety feeling; when your lips tingle- like they are asleep. Only this wasn't caused by my puny baby. It wasn't caused by the fact that Bit is starting 2nd grade- GASP! It is caused by MY choices.  I feel like some of the people that I choose to surround myself with are, simply put, like poison.  Like a cancerous growth that has attached itself to my everyday life. Something that is slowly sucking away my self confidence.  Making me question my ability to do what is right for my children. Causing me to NOT be all that I can be where they are concerned. Which makes me think.  What can I do to change this predicament that I have put myself in?   I have decided that I will be cutting out the cancer.  

Here is the thing. If you have a friend or relative that is raising an "easy to love but hard to raise baby," cut them some darn slack.  Trust me, they get judged just fine by everyone in the world.  From the lady at the grocery store that wants to tell her how their mother's, brother's, cousin's, nephew did just that and they simply had to point their finger at them and say, "no!" and that baby walked the line. To the countless therapists, hospital social workers, doctors and specialists that can't figure out how to "fix it" so it is obviously a problem with their "home life."  WE DON'T NEED YOU TO JUDGE US TOO!!!!!!!!!  

In fact, when you do it- it is quite difficult for us to swallow. You see, families like us have only a few places that we can go where we don't live on edge.  Half of the time, we can't even spend time at our own house where we don't live on edge.  Because of the countless home visits done by those "experts" that can't figure out our kid, either.  We are either preparing for a visit or recovering from one.  Our own house isn't even a "safe place."  So, if you have taken the time and energy to express (verbally) that you are one of those friends/family members that is willing to take the good and the bad, better and worse, of our child and LOVE them AND their parents unconditionally don't take the when the going gets tough (or in this case- steroids; lots and lots of steroids) the tough gets judgmental approach.  News flash- we are aware that out kid has issues.  It isn't like we are sitting around twiddling our thumbs hoping that we can miracle him out of this one.   

Needless to say: I have decided that I don't need people like that in my life. You aren't worth it.  It is true that raising a child with special needs causes to people to isolate themselves from the world around them. Their circle of tried and true friends is certainly just that.  TRUE FRIENDS and UNCONDITIONAL FAMILY MEMBERS.  But, with "friends" and "family" like a few that I have encountered in the last year; WHO THE HECK NEEDS ENEMIES????? I for one- don't!  

So, here is your one warning: If you can't love our family, ALL OF US, unconditionally, step aside and leave us alone. You are nothing but Cancer to our awesomeness. There are a lot of things about my life I can't control, but I can and I will control this.  I won't allow my children, specifically that very active, cute, little one, to believe that he is BAD because YOU needed to blow out someone's candle just to make yours burn brighter.  Perhaps attacking the behavior of a 3 year old is causing you to feel better about your own short comings? I don't know and it isn't my problem.

I won't allow what I now realize were my own needs to hurt my babies or myself.  This mama bear is on a roll and cutting out the cancer like a hot knife goes through butter.  With that- I will be stepping OFF my soapbox now.  I promise that I will not be another blog post that isn't sunshine and rainbows for at least 6 months.  This one just had to be done. Look at it like a necessary evil :)


See the people in that picture below?? Those are the only ones whose opinion that I care about. Just in case you needed a visual aid. 

 

Top 10 Things My Kids Say...

As a Mom, I am pretty sure that I am screwing up my kids about 80% of the time. Someone (I can't remember who) once told me that if you are concerned that you are screwing your children up, you probably aren't, simply because you care enough to be concerned that you are actually NOT being a perfect parent.  But let's face it. NONE of us are perfect parent's. If you THINK you are a perfect parent,  you are wrong.  Lately, Bit and Biscuit have made some little statements that show me that I am not a complete screw up where they are concerned.  I mean, don't get me wrong, they will still have plenty of stuff to talk to their therapists about one day :)

 

So, here is a top ten list of recent quotes or actions that lead me to believe that I am not as unfit of a mother as I often feel.

 

10.  Biscuit says The Pledge of Allegiance- He is 3 years old.

 

9.  They both call either mine or my husband's name when they are scared.  That means they trust us to protect them.   

 

8.  Bit is often heard telling Biscuit that he he needs to calm down because he isn't breathing well and it isn't good for his airway.

 

7.  Biscuit sits in timeout and says, "Faith in God. Trust in God. He died for me. Can I get out now?" 

 

6.  They will both apologize when they feel that they have wronged someone AND they will accept an apology when they are wronged. (Something many adults that I know can't do.)

 

5.  Biscuit told a crying child at the YMCA childcare, "It be ok. You Mommy and Daddy will come back for you. They may have to leave, but they will always come back."

 

4. When asked, "Who's baby are you." They always respond. " I am my Momma's Baby."

 

3.  If you accidentally pull the car out of the garage and they aren't completely buckled, they make you stop the car until they are properly restrained.  Safety First :)

 

2.  Biscuit is obsessed (maybe a little too much) with sunblock application. He will tell complete strangers, "I am very concerned, you aren't wearing sunblock and you could be burned by the sun."

 

1.  Today I forgot that that I had promised to do something for Bit. When he reminded me, I turned the car around and told him that I would make good on my promise. He responded with, "Mommy I don't care that you messed up. I just love you." 

 

   

 

So, Maybe I am not as big of a parental screw up as a thought.

 

 

     

  

How the Grahams Filled Their Lovin' Cup....

I often, in an attempt to get love and kisses from my boys, will ask them to come over and fill my Lovin' Cup.  If I just want one more hug/kiss, I tell them my cup isn't full yet and I need a refill. The Biscuit often climbs in my lap and wants to hear the story about our Family "Lobin' Tup."  Until this post, I have only shared this with very few people.  Most of them, have asked me to write it out, because they feel it is a good adoption story. So, here it is.  This is our adoption story.

A long, long time ago there was a Mommy and a Daddy.  The Mommy and the Daddy loved each other more that anything in the world.  In fact, they loved each other so much that their lovin' cups were over flowing.  The love from their lovin' cup was over flowing everywhere. It flowed out of their hearts, onto the floor, out the front door and into the street!  Everywhere they went, everyone knew that Mommy and Daddy had a lot of love.

The Mommy and Daddy decided that they needed to share some of their love. They decided to ask God if they could have a baby.  God said, "yes" and put a baby in the Mommy's tummy. That baby was born and the Mommy and Daddy named him Bit.  The Mommy and Daddy loved Bit so much.  He was a sweet, wonderful little boy and had a great big heart. Bit had a big heart like his Mommy and Daddy. Now, the Graham family had a new problem. Instead of having two loving cups that were overflowing- out of their hearts, onto the floor, out the front door and into the street; The Grahams had three loving cups.  There was love spilling EVERYWHERE!!! No one could catch all of the love that was surrounding them.

So this time, Mommy, Daddy and Bit decided to talk to God again and ask Him for another person to love. This time, God said that the baby would not come from the Mommy's tummy and they wouldn't go get him from a hospital. Instead, God would pick a special baby. One that had a great big lovin' cup to fill. The baby that needed it's cup filled the most. God would send that baby to them with one of his angels.  So, the Graham's waited and waited.  They waited for what seemed like forever. Finally, one day they got a telephone call asking if they wanted a baby.  The Mommy knew in her heart that this was the baby that God had planned for their family and soon their lovin' cups would stop spilling over.  So, she said,  "Yes!!" 

That night, God sent his angel to the Graham's  home.  The angel told the family that she was bringing the family the baby to love, but she didn't know how long that the baby would get to stay. The angel said, "More that anything, this baby needs love right now. But, if God decides that another family needs this baby more, I will have to take him there."  The angel brought the baby to their home and nothing else, no clothes, no bottles, no toys- the baby had none of the things that other babies had waiting for them when they came home from the hospital.  That was ok, because the next week when she came to check on the baby she realized that the baby, who the family called Biscuit, had clothes and toys. She also realized that his lovin' cup was very, very full. In fact, she realized that the entire Graham family's lovin' cup was perfectly full. Love had stopped spilling everywhere.  This news made her very happy. Though the Grahams were very scared that Biscuit could be taken away, they continued to love Biscuit as if he were already theirs- which is what God knew that he needed.

A long, long time passed and God finally told the angel that it was time to make official, on Earth, what Heaven already knew. God said, that the angel's job was done, everyone's lovin' cups were perfect, and it was time to talk to the Judge. 

When the day came to talk to the Judge, Bit talked to the Judge. He told the Judge about everyone's lovin' cups over flowing before God sent Biscuit. He explained that now our family's lovin' cups were perfectly filled and he wanted Biscuit to be his little brother forever.  The Judge listened carefully to everything that Bit said and after careful consideration said, "Yes!!" So, the family went home, without worry that they would ever be separated. Their lovin' cups were perfectly filled and everyone got refills any time they needed them. That is how the Graham went from two overflowing  to a family of four perfectly filled lovin' cups. 

The End... or is it just the beginning?? :)

Peanut Butter Playdoh and Biscuit

I haven't posted in a while, but it is because I have been so busy.  The Bit and the Biscuit are growing like weeds and let's face it- they are time consuming.  Lately, Biscuit's sensory seeking has been, well... intense.  Of course, we moved, in June, so we are in the process of getting the house together. With two kids, and a job and a life, that takes some time!  In like the old saying goes," If you can't beat them, join them."  So, I have decided that while I put the house together, I will add little sensory things to help Biscuit... well...not kill himself.

So, I have been painting, scouring the Internet and picking the brain of his therapists to make sure that he lives in a home that allows him to be safe while getting that craving that he very much has.  Part of that craving is that he LOVES to be in the kitchen. There are so many cool sensory things in a kitchen.  Water, heat and lots of cool smells. Not to mention the input a person can get from cutting things and kneading dough. 

So, with that, I bring to you- Peanut Butter Playdoh :)

Disclaimer-  Please don't try this at home if your child is allergic to peanut butter, milk or under a year old. Also, I am not a therapist, doctor or anything else that has the authority to tell you that this is safe for your child. I am just telling you what works for my child.

Peanut butter playdoh recipe:

1/3 cup of honey
1/2 cup of peanut butter
1/2 - 1 cup of powdered milk

Mix these items together adding powdered milk until the texture is no longer sticky and resembles playdoh.  This is edible and pretty fun to play with :)

As you can see the Biscuit had a lot of fun. He likes to sprinkle and likes to add ingredients.  I gave him a little powered milk. Eventually, he conned me out of  some uncooked grits and cheese.  Which gave things a different texture and well he enjoyed it.  All in all, I would call this a success!  He ate a little bit of the playdoh and I cooked an entire meal without having fight him off of the stove or out of the sink. 

A letter to my baby on his birthday,

Little Biscuit Monster,

Happy birthday my special little one. I am so blessed and thankful that God has chosen me to be your mother.  This day is always bittersweet for me. Each year as I celebrate you entering this world, I realize that I wasn't there to protect you.  The realist in me knows that I had no control over the circumstances of your entering this world.  The optimist in me understands that without those circumstances you would never be mine.  The mommy in me will forever wish that I could have protected you. Oh Biscuit, how I wish I could have been able to wrap my love around you and shield you from all things harmful as you were growing and developing in your little womb.

Though I wasn't there then, I am here now.  I will be here forever.  I promise you that as your Mommy, I will do everything in my power to help you become the best you that you can be. 

I will try to do what is best for you. I will be your biggest cheerleader and president of your fan club.  However, there will be times, as much as it will hurt me,  I will have to let you fall. Sometimes, I will pick you up and sometimes, I will have to watch you struggle to pick yourself up.  I will do it because I have to. Because sometimes, struggles make you stronger and make you the person that you will eventually become.

I can't promise you that you will be given everything that you have ever wanted. But, I can promise you that you will have everything that you need.  I want you to appreciate the things that you do have. I want you to understand that although MY world revolves around you; Everyone else's may not.  I want you to become selfless-NOT selfish and appreciative for everything.

I want you to respect others and most of all LOVE. Love others, but most of all love yourself.  If you don't have a healthy love for yourself, you can't love anyone else. I will show you love every single day.  Even the days that you are making me crazy. 

Sweet heart, I have loved you before I even knew you. Even when there was just hope of you I loved you.  I will love you until the day that I leave this earth.  You were wanted, prayed for and fought for. You are the answer to three years of prayer.  Don't ever forget that.  You are a special little person. God has a certain purpose for you and I can't wait to see what amazing things that life has in store for you. Thank you for being "Mama's baby!"  I love you, sweet little Biscuit Monster!!

Practice makes perfect :)

 

When doctors are working they are Practicing Medicine. Medicine is a practice.  Meaning it isn't perfected. It is a fact that diseases and people evolve over time. Because of change, it will probably never be perfected.  I am telling you this because there are times, when doctors will tell a patient or a family things, giving them their best medical advice,  and something strange will happen. The doctor will be wrong.  Sometimes that results in pain and heart break. Sometimes, it results in a person beating all of the odds that were stacked against them, smacking medical advice in the face and saying, "who is your Daddy now?"  Personally, I love it when that happens!! 

Yesterday, we celebrated the Mighty Biscuit's Birthday and his Adoption day. Has has officially been legally our little love muffin for 1 year as of 11/2. On 11/23, he will turn 3. This guy continues to amaze me more and more. Each day, he "cans" another "can't", "wills" another "won't" and does it all while being rediculiously cute!!None of this is without hard work. Blood sweat and tears of a TEAM of people that want NOTHING but the best for this guy!  Of course, Biscuit isn't the only walking, talking, living, breathing miracle out there. Open your eyes and look around. They are abundant.  God ain't no slacker. 

Without further adieu, I present you with a visual proof of miracles in the making.  The baby on the left is my little man. The one on the right, is Dax.  To read about Dax, you need to click here.  I could go on and on about the coolness of Dax, but you need to read it and digest it for yourself.  Besides, his mother is the funniest person I know!!! 

Chase on his Birthday.



Dax on his Birthday

Two boys, whose mommies are STILL told what they wouldn't, shouldn't and can't do climbing a rock wall at a birthday party.

Sometimes, life is amazing!!

  

Epic Failure...

So, I am the first to admit it.  I am a horrible blogger. I haven't blogged in like 2 months.  Rest assured, that I know you all were crying yourself to sleep at night- missing my witty explanations of the crazy things that happen in my life.  The things that have got to be true because no one in their right or wrong mind could POSSIBLY make this stuff up.  For that, I am sorry. But, no news is good news- right?  Right!  

Things have been great! The Biscuit has been healthy for the most part.  The Bit started 1st Grade. He got the teacher I BEGGED for! My, oh my, how I love that man! Maggie is doing wonderful!!!  Each and every time that I say that my heart swells with pride!! SWELLS!!!  Holy cow, I love that little girl. Jaggie, loves its new home (I can't decide if Jaggie is a boy or a girl)  I guess it is a kidney with an identity crisis.  But, that is so far from the point of this blog it isn't even funny.  

Then, the other shoe dropped!!!  Well, it kind of fell and splattered, like a toddler falling off a statue, in the middle of a cub scout meeting, having a SEIZURE!  You guessed it... MY TODDLER!  

So, picture this if you will. Mommy realizing that her toddler is having a seizure, in the middle of 9 seven year old little boys.  How do you hide this so the little boys aren't scared for life?? I must admit, I did an amazing job! I scooped him up off the concrete, took him away from all of the other kids and, once he was fine, let his seizure drunk little behind stumble after all of the big kids sporting his goose egg from the fall.  Then, I tell my husband and another Dad, I thought he might have a seizure, when in reality... I lied. 

Which leads me to my moment of EPIC FAILURE... We called the neurologist and after the fourth seizure, Mr. Biscuit had to be put in an anticonvulsant.   I just failed, again.  I lost the fight against the Gtube. I lost the fight against medicating him so he would sleep at night. Trust me, this wasn't a decision we took lightly. He has still never slept through the night. Now, I have lost the fight against seizure medication.  I am sick! I am RAGING ANGRY!!

Angry because he can't get a break.  Angry at his birth mother because she did this to him.  Angry at myself because I can't fix it!  Isn't that my job as Mommy??  I fix things. It is my job to make his life perfect and I can't.   

Someone said, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it is about learning to dance in the rain."  I guess, I better put on my big girl pants and start boogieing. Because, I know one little cutie that has no intention of sitting around feeling defeated.  God's weakest creatures are usually the ones that have the most to teach.  I think I need to slow down and learn from my little man.  Now, hopefully, I can follow my own advice.